Haunted
by Adi88
Summary: You will forget that they are gone, and then you will remember and your heart will break one more time. Sequel to For Their Hearts and Balance, Akito's POV.


AN: Here we go then, my sequel. This would have taken much longer, but R Junkie contacted me and I felt guilty/inspired… Anyway, here it is. Short, but there'll be more.

Okay, this might be a tad confusing going in cold, so pay attention a second: The first bit in italics is a really old memory, like from when Akito is about four. After that, all the italics (please, let them be in italics... this thing is always unitalicising...) in their own little bits are the last two conversations Hatori and Akito had before Hatori died. The penultimate talk is self-contained; the last one (taking place a few hours later) is dragged out person at a time over the rest of the fic a person at a time (Hatori, then Akito, etc.).

And SLIGHT SPOILER warning in the fic. I'm such a hypocrite. But once I read it, I have to use it. Anyway, there are references to a scene in the Eighteenth Volume. And Ren's there. So, while my Ren, in keeping with my 'verse, is a tad different from real-Ren, if you have no idea whom I'm talking about, you might not want to find out…

The memory is not meant to be a dream. Can't stand that. I personally have never dreamed a memory.

Dedication: To that branch of my family whose names have been plagiarized for my fics since I don't know any other Japanese names. May you never know how you have been used.

Disclaimer: The manga's not mine, the characters aren't mine, the anime's not mine, and the quote is from _Grief… reminders for healing_, which is also Not Mine.

* * *

You may hear their sounds and see them in the shadows. You will forget they are gone and then you will remember again, and your heart will break one more time.

* * *

"_Hatori, why don't we ever fall into the sky?" _

"_What? Akito… the sky is up. You don't fall up." _

"_It looks down like this." _

"_Well, perception doesn't alter reality." _

"_Really… well, the earth is round, and it turns, so sometimes we must be on the bottom. Why don't we fall off then?" _

"_In relation to the rest of space, I suppose we're never either truly upside down or right side up. But we don't fall because of gravity, which is also the force that is helping to rush all the blood to your head right now. Would you please stop hanging like that?" _

"_Not yet. Shigure said he could do it for five minutes and I'm going to beat him." _

"_Shigure's too tall to hang by his knees off the edge of the porch, so he must have been lying." _

"_He hung somewhere else. He said it was good for altering perceptions and preconceived notions. How does gravity work?" _

"_No one knows exactly. It's a force that attracts us to the nearest large amount of mass, all right? If too much blood goes to your brain you could have an aneurysm." _

"_I don't mind. If we don't know how it works, how do we know it exists?" _

"_Experiments. Science. Falling apples. _I_ mind." _

_"You aren't the one who might have an aneurysm. I don't trust science. It doesn't explain people changing into animals. Why do you believe in it?"_

_"__I don't believe in it, it just is. It's right about everything else." _

"_Not everything." _

"_Most things. How much longer are you going to do that? Your face is bright red, and if it turns purple I am going to have to insist that you come up." _

"_You can't. I'm a god. How does science explain that?" _

"_It doesn't. Akito, I'll do anything, but please get up off there before the purple sets in." _

"_Anything?" _

"…_Within reason." _

"_All right, pick me up." _

"_Thank god." _

"_Ha. Now… tell me why I should trust gravity to keep me here when you don't even know how it works and only believe in it because it's part of a system of beliefs that like any other only explains 'most' things." _

"…_Because people don't fall into the sky very often?" _

"_People don't do a lot of things often. They don't turn into animals often, for one thing. Mother says gods belong in the sky, and that it was a mistake to be here. I don't think your gravity is anything so special against that." _

"_No. No, it isn't… special. …Akito, I promise you're not going to fall into the sky." _

"_How do you know?" _

"_She really frightened you with this, didn't she." _

"_No! I'm just asking!" _

"_Okay, okay. You don't need to hit, it doesn't help." _

"…_Shigure said there would be a feeling first, and I could grab something."_

"_Shigure would." _

"_But then… what if I can't hold on hard enough?"_

"…_Then send for Shigure or Kureno or me, and we'll hold onto you." _

"_All right then. That will do. Hold onto me right now, okay? To make sure?" _

"…_Alright." _

"_Why are you laughing! It's not funny." _

"_No, I wasn't laughing at that. I just… love you, Akito." _

_

* * *

_

"Hatori!"

I jerk up abruptly, too cold and my eyes refusing to open. "Hatori!"

A large hand closes on my shoulder and guides me to a firm chest. "Akito, what is it?"

"Kureno! Send for Hatori for me, n… now…"

"Akito…"

I don't want to open my eyes now. I lie back and curl up on my side, keening in the back of my throat.

There's a gaping hole inside, and if I don't fall into the sky I know I'll fall in there.

"Shh, it's all right, it's all right… everything will be all right… there, there…"

I turn and bury my head in his shirt, tangling my fingers in his hair until it must hurt. My Kureno doesn't mind, he never does. He doesn't mind anything.

He never really knew Hatori, not the way Shigure or Ayame do. I kept Kureno away from them. But Hatori was the other one who was always here, the closest thing he had to a friend after what happened between he and Shigure and I. Does he miss him? Is he afraid without him?

"Kureno, don't ever leave me."

I don't think he hears the hiccupped, muffled words, but he says, "Whatever you want. It's all right."

I love that phrase of his, his failsafe comfort. Hatori used it too. _It's all right._ Does it mean that everything is right, or that one thing is completely right? Either way, it's a lie. Nothing is completely right, and the idea that everything is right is blatantly idiotic.

If anyone else said something so false of this horrible, twisted life on earth, I would be furious.

But I have to hear it. That isn't wrong, is it? Just to hear it…

Just to hear one more time…

* * *

"_Akito, you're running a fever of 102 degrees. I'm sorry, but you cannot go to the graduation. You'd be liable to collapse halfway through." _

"_I would not!" _

"…_Well, all right. But you're not going to be able to enjoy Yuki's company very well afterwards if you're medicated into delirium, are you? And if you overexert yourself I will have no choice." _

"…_Then you go! Go and when it's over bring him back here… to me." _

_

* * *

_

"Akito-san, how are you feeling?"

"About," I hiss through clenched the teeth, "the same as I was feeling the last time you asked. And the time before that, and the time before that." It is, of course, only my due to have my juunishi dance attendance on my every whim and mood, but this…

"I'm sorry! I'm annoying you! I'm so sorry Akito-san, you should beat me! Tear out my hair by the roots for my presumption!"

I put my hands over my ears. I love Ritsu, but I don't like loud noises. I wish he wouldn't shout so, though at least he is not at full volume. After what I did last time, it's only to be expected that he exercise more control.

"Ritsu…" I sigh, holding out my hand. "You know why you're here, don't you?"

"Be – because…"

"Because I requested your presence." He's close enough now to touch, and I wrap his kimono around my fingers, dragging him down to sit beside me. "Because I want you here. I know that you are a shameless waste of life, Ritsu. However, I still love you. So sit down and stop yelling."

"Y – yes, I'm sorry." He leans back against the wall and I curl up against his side, resting my head on his chest and listening to his heartbeat slow.

He can relax around me, though I have to remind him once and a while. There's no need to proclaim his uselessness to one who would just as willingly tell him of it, no need to prompt physical punishments when I dole them out freely when angry.

In fact, within what might be moments or hours, he has fallen asleep. His breathing sounds like the ocean, waves going in and out deep down, and I wonder how overworked he must be – through his own devices, as he scrambles to do what he perceives as keeping up – to drift off while watching me.

And that's what he's here for. I'm too delicate, can't be left alone. I've knocked Kureno flat over the mothering recently, but I don't stop them.

I can't. I can't be alone. I have to know where they are, have to know that they're all right.

I picture Ritsu waking up and realizing his error, though, and decide I don't want to be here for it. So I ride his sighing breaths and the thumping of his heart out into dreams.

* * *

_"Akito? I'm going as you asked. I'm to drive Yuki and the others to Shigure's house from the school now. Then I'll bring him back here. How do you feel?"_

* * *

When I open my eyes, the cloth beneath my cheek is no longer cool silk but wool, and beneath it a chest too hard to be Ritsu's, too narrow to be Kureno's or Shigure's, a tad too bony for Haru. I frown and jerk up. 

Yuki flinches and tries to hide it. "Akito, you… Ritsu had to go to school. It was time for our visit, so I just…"

I sit back and smile. "That's fine, Yuki. Thank you. I haven't been sleeping well lately."

His face softens slightly, and I clench my fists. I won't be pitied, not by him.

_He can't understand, because if he can… _

"Of course," I add, sliding back, close to him, and running my hands over his face, "I'm sure that could be improved with some strenuous activity to tire me out properly…"

If someone so helpless can understand me, what does that make me? No, he can't.

His face closes, breath catching, and I can relax again. I shift onto my back, putting my head on his lap and reaching up to play with his hair.

Then why didn't you save him? 

We sit in what could almost be termed companionable silence for a time, and my eyes grow heavy again. Yuki is almost as good as Kureno for this sort of thing, but more interesting because he still tries, sometimes. He still fools himself with his lies.

And he doesn't always wait for me to break the silence, which can actually be a bit annoying.

"Akito," he starts. I glare, already knowing I don't want to hear what he has to say from the way he watches me warily, heart speeding.

He's always so deliciously frightened.

"Yes, Yuki?"

"I would like to – ask a favor of you. Not for myself, but I – if you would allow it I would repay you for it."

I sit upright, amused. "Really? And how would you do that?"

He shrugs, flushing. "You could decide."

_But I want you to say it. _

I smile. "…Leaving that aside for the moment, what is the favor?"

"It's about… Kyo."

I stiffen, letting my face freeze over.

"He – you know, he used to spend hours on the roof?" The words spill out in a rush, breaking the dam, and I watch them flood around our feet. "He'd even sleep there. Akito, being in that place… you know I dislike the idiot, but this isn't fair to anyone. He can barely see the sky. Please, at least let him see someone. Kagura, or Haru, or… you know… anyone." _Honda Tohru._

I stand abruptly, facing away from him and trying not to lose my temper, since we were having such a nice time before.

"Akito, please. You must know it's killing him. You don't want to lose him, do you?"

I whirl back around, lashing out with a fist and knocking him facedown on the floor. "You… lose him _too_, you mean? You think if that weakling monster can't handle his claustrophobia it's my fault? I visit him, don't I? That's enough. It's enough for all of you! Why do you all… keep… You blame me, don't you. You think it's my fault that… that we lost… you all blame me!"

Yuki turns his face back to me slowly, desperate anger simmering behind his eyes. Softly, he says, "We can't blame you."

_Can't. _

I stop, derailed, and then crouch with my knees on his, grabbing the front of his shirt and pulling him close. "Whose fault do you think it was that there wasn't enough life for Hatori when he was lying in that cold bed? Who else was too weak to come back on their own, who else needed help? Who was too weak to live here, where he belongs, and had to be picked up like the stubborn child he is?"

"What?" My Yuki's face is a portrait of horror. "Enough life… you mean you…"

"You know what I mean. Sleeping pills, Yuki? The one thing I wouldn't be able to feel until it was too late. Until you were just… too… far gone. You know exactly of what I speak, and that I would have been able to save Hatori if it weren't for you."

Yuki's head falls, gray hair curtaining his eyes, and I stand again, looking down at him, allowing myself a triumphant smirk. "And everyone thinks you're so intelligent. You really should have thought of that, shouldn't you?"

_Your fault. Not mine. Not mine, not mine… yes, even he knows it's his fault. It can't be mine. _

_

* * *

_

_"I feel absolutely awful, since you enquire. I'll feel better when you hurry and get Yuki back here for me." _

_

* * *

_

I press my fingers to my temples as Ayame comes whirling in like a storm in an icehouse. "Akito-sama! Oh, you look even more radiant than usual today! You are a picture, nay a portrait, of masculine beauty in all its splendor."

I summon up a smile in answer to the blatant lies that not even my darling Ayame, with his all-encompassing idea of beauty, can possibly believe, and reach up for him.

He swoops to me in a blaze of color, his appearance as loud as his voice, and waits while I embrace him.

"How have you been, then?" He asks when I release him, settling back on his heels in front of me. "Have you been outside recently? That is to say, I realize the temperature is rather cruel for those of us with a sensitivity to such matters, but I must say it is an absolutely dazzling winter. The snow!" He holds a hand several feet above the ground. "Like a blanket all over the grass, keeping it warm for next year. That's a nice way to think of it, isn't it?" He pauses contemplatively. "I think someone in one of Shigure's books says that… and then they die in the sequel… but it's still a nice thought, ne?" He beams expectantly.

"Very comforting," I prompt, knowing he needs only minimal input to continue his chatter, filling the silence with empty air until I come around to speaking of why he's here.

"Yes, comforting, that's it! Yuki likes it better before anyone touches it, he said, but I think it's prettier after. More lived-in, you know? Like a blanket after it's been slept under. I bet you like it before better too, though…" He frowns prettily as another thought on his indecipherable train flits across his face. His thought process must be bewildering to live in, like dominoes or calligraphy, everything leading to another dozen trails.

"Don't you think fairy tales should be less violent? They are for children, after all. I mean I know they weren't always, but perhaps we should come up with some new ones. People pricking their fingers all the time and eating each other's hearts, it just isn't done in polite society."

He reaches out and straightens the sleeve of my yukata. "You're growing out of this already… in the sense that it's getting too loose… You and Isuzu should bond over this kind of thing.

"I wish you'd let me do something more interesting with your clothes than these… I know they're tasteful, but a little more color wouldn't go entirely amiss, would it?" Off my look, he throws his hands up. "Ah, but whatever you want, whatever you want… No need to get cross, now."

"Ayame," I interrupt, lulled by the absolute meaninglessness of his words. I don't like the way he never stops talking, but I understand why Shigure and – why someone might find him soothing. He's so happy, always, even when he isn't.

He blinks huge, glowingly innocent eyes at me. "Yes? I'm sorry, have I been keeping you from saying something? I apologize abjectly and you have my full and complete attention."

"I want you to move back into the complex."

He stares, uncomprehending. "What…"

"I don't like this, all this… being away. I miss you." _And every time the phone rings… every time a servant comes in with "news…"_

"Ritsu is going to be commuting to college from here full time as well. As will Yuki and the others. Of course your time is valuable, but I'm sure you'll find enough to get to your shop and back. It being necessary."

Not even Ayame can miss the implication that it needn't be necessary at all. "Akito-san… I…" He forces his smile back into place. "Your wish is, naturally, my command, but are you certain… To be frank, I don't know that my mother will survive the change, and I was rather under the impression that the present situation suited you as well."

I smile back, relaxing into my familiar role. "Ayame, my Ayame, how can you possibly think I ever did more than tolerate our distance?" I put my hands on either side of his face. "I love you."

"And I you," he whispers. I can see the hatred blazing in his eyes, the look that accompanied his tirade against me that day, something we haven't mentioned since. But he doesn't lose control again; he says the right words and bows his head in compliance.

I lean back, satisfied and about to set the terms for his return.

"Akito-san?" He looks back up and I stop. There are tears in his eyes. "Why? Why is he gone? I don't understand, he didn't… he didn't do anything wrong…"

"I…" should have an answer. Isn't that what gods are for? But I don't. Sometimes I lie awake at night and think that I must have dreamed it, because nothing so idiotically insignificant as a slow moment, one mistake, could take a person away. A living, breathing person doesn't just disappear because of one mistake, not even his mistake.

"I don't…" _I have to, though, I have to…_

"Why does anyone die?" The voice from the door freezes my heart with hatred and sets my blood on fire with rage.

She shouldn't be here.

"Poor Ayame… Hatori died because my son didn't save him. Isn't that what you both need to hear? That Akito is in control, is still god?" Ren smiles at me, unbrushed hair tangling to her waist. "So how does it feel, being responsible for everything?"

"What are you – get out!"

She ignores me, stepping closer as Ayame turns to face her slowly, as if hypnotized. "Hatori died because some moronic man couldn't hold his liquor. Because no one else in the car reacted quickly enough either. Because his vision was impaired, because Akito is too possessive and drove the others out to begin with so that they needed a ride here at all… for a million reasons that mean nothing at all. He died for nothing, just like –"

"Get out!" I surge to my feet, grabbing Ayame's shoulder and yanking him back. "Get out get out get out!"

"So temperamental," Mother murmurs. "I'm going." She smiles at us both. "Try not to lose your temper so much. It just makes you so unpleasant to be around."

And she's gone.

I stare after her, after everything I hold onto to keep myself here… _Why does she always suck it away… why can't she leave anything… _

"Cruel words," I whisper, and a hysterical smile tugs at my lips as I turn back to Ayame. "She always says cruel things…" And my knees give way.

I let myself collapse and bury my face in my hands, emptiness echoing through me.

He caught me last time, and he never will again. Never, ever, ever…

_Never is such an awfully long time…_

_Why don't you hold me? Where did you go? I hate you…How could you leave? I told you to stay. _

Arms go around me and guide me gently forward. I can't seem to remember who it could be for a moment, and then remember it's Ayame when long hair brushes my cheeks, sticking to the tears.

I cling to him and he pulls me into his lap, settling on the floor and folding me safe in his arms.

I cry for what seems like a very long time, and Ayame holds me without ever saying a word, rocking me back and forth.

* * *

_"All right then. Don't overexert yourself while I'm gone. I'll be right back."

* * *

_

"Akito-san," Ayame says softly, standing. He lifts me effortlessly. It's easy to forget how strong he is. "Why don't we get you into bed?"

I shrug as best as I can in this position, wrapping my arms tighter around his neck. I don't want him to leave.

We move, and then he lowers me, following me down when I refuse to let go.

I feel empty, sore inside as if something in my heart was torn out and tried to hold on, scraping me raw. I wonder how long it's been since that woman came in. Hours, maybe.

"I was wrong to ask that of you, Akito-san." He strokes my hair gently, propping himself on his elbow beside me. "You couldn't know, and none of this was your fault. You could have been as sweet and naïve as Tohru-kun and never raised your voice, and Hatori still might have died just as easily. Maybe he lived longer because he was safe here so often."

He's being so... serious. Mature, telling me what I need to hear and letting me believe it. I want him to stop, to be my Ayame. I want him to keep doing it, to do it more, to be more... more like Hatori.

His hand stills and he sits upright. I feel the bed shift as he stands, but keep my eyes closed.

I'm afraid. I don't want him to leave. I don't want any of them to leave.

"But…" his voice is cold. "I saw Yuki leaving when I arrived. He's very good at hiding his emotions, you know? But being around you tends to tear at all of our masks. I could see... he still looked so shocked and guilty." He sounds almost musing, and the coldness is nearly gone.

I open my eyes and look over at him, at his loud color. "I don't pretend I can protect him. But none of us are at fault here." His eyes are as empty as my heart feels. "Hatori died for no reason at all, and we are all going to move on. That's what happens." He looks down at his hands as if bewildered, and then back at me. "You don't need to blame him, Akito-san. No one has to shoulder this. None of us blame you."

He smiles again, a candle in a dark room again, a beam of apparent happiness in this dark, ugly world. "And now I must be off! I have such a lot of packing to do, you know, if I'm going to be moving back in. Oh, and I'll need to think about how to redecorate wherever I move in… and perhaps the apartment above the shop can go to Mine, in this case… yes, yes, such a lot to do…"

He swoops back over and kisses my forehead without ever getting any closer, not really.

I sit upright, winding his hair around my fingers. "I love you," I repeat.

"I know. And I you." He remains bent, hands on his knees, smiling as though it's painted on. "And none of us are going anywhere, I promise. Just don't push Yuki or Kyonkichi more than they can take, okay? Even they can fall." He stands, prying his hair loose, and I don't know which of his expressions tell the truth – uncaring cold, burning hate, or that warm, loving happiness.

"I'll be back soon, in this case," he calls over his shoulder as he leaves.

* * *

"_See that you are, darling mine." _

_

* * *

_

AN: Tell me what you think! Reviews, yes, beautiful reviews. Personally, I think it was a little messy, but I couldn't fix it. Couldn't put my finger on the spots needed cleaning. Help?

Oh, and sorry there wasn't much Yuki. He's getting his very own story soon, so I needed to save material.

Ah, and Ren… I didn't want to use her, because she seems like an excuse to put Akito in a softer light. Like, look at how bad Ren is! When you've got a character like that, it kind of forces the other ones to act better to create a clearer contrast, and it feels like cheating. But I needed a truthsayer, and a brutal one, and she was best for the job… Just know that I don't mean her presence to excuse any of Akito's actions. I love Akito, and that means loving what a sick, twisted person s/he is, regardless of how the Aged Ps treated the poor li'l thing.


End file.
